Jokes -- Uncle Jerry's Jokes

 by Denise Miller Holmes

You have to adapt
Q: How does a one-armed man tie his shoe?
A: Single-handedly.


Maybe she needs a Valium
Q: What sits on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A: A nervous wreck


Making it harder than it needs to be
Did you hear about the man who loved the sound of the clapping together of two coconut shells? He wanted to reproduce the sound, but he didn’t have two coconut shells. So, he grabbed his neighbor’s horse and led him along the town’s only cobblestone street. See? You can figure anything out if you put your mind to it.

A man has questions, a wallet has answers
I, Uncle Jerry, love my wife and children: Wanda, little Joey and little Marta. I keep a wallet in my pocket, with our family photo in it whenever I go to work at the Martian salt mines. Life here on Mars is expensive, so whenever I get stressed and ask myself, “where is the money going?” I open my wallet and see the reason it is empty—Wanda, little Joey and little Marta!


Flattery will always work
Q: What did one pencil say to the other pencil?
A: Looking sharp!

Jokes -- Uncle Jerry's Jokes

Q: What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?
A: Short

Uncle Jerry’s weird habit—
Uncle Jerry told me once, “I used to file my nails but then I thought, What’s the point? I’ll never keep all these files straight.”

Clocks are mysterious—
Uncle Jerry lives on Mars. On Mars, time is weird when you compare it to Earth’s system of timekeeping. Clocks do weird things there. For instance, when a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. 

Jokes -- Uncle Jerry's Jokes

By Denise Miller Holmes

I am happy to give you another installment of Uncle Jerry’s Jokes. He is still diligently archiving every joke and funny story he runs across as he trudges down the salt-mining tunnels of Mars. I am right now crossing my fingers that y’all get a kick out of them.

The intelligence quotient on Venus
So many Earthers disrespect the Venusians because of their population’s low IQ. Do you know what the numbers 1776 and 1492 have in common on Venus? They are adjoining rooms at the Venusian Deluxe Hotel. I can’t wait to stay there.

Cleaning house on another planet
On Mars, there are dust storms and, therefore, a lot of dust in peoples’ homes. But Uncle Jerry says he threw his vacuum cleaner away the other day because it was just collecting dust.

Substitutes are okay if you don’t have the real thing
Uncle Jerry's extended family has owned a hardware store for as long as he can remember. It doesn’t surprise me that he’s had a step ladder for a long time. Sadly, he told me with a tear in his eye, he never knew his real ladder.

Lamenting cement
When you mix quick-drying cement, there are many hard-and-fast rules. 

Jokes -- Uncle Jerry's Jokes

“Uncle Jerry,” as I like to call him, is not my uncle. He is my friend Brenda’s neighbor’s wife’s uncle. It’s complicated.

Anyway, Uncle Jerry went to war, and when he came back he was burnt out, shell shocked and a real mess. He forwent therapy and decided a DIY project was the answer.

No, he didn’t remodel the bathroom. Instead, he started archiving every joke he ever heard or read, past and present. He’s still archiving them to this day. And, after some arm twisting, he gave me a copy of what he has so far.

Here are a few of them. Remember, they healed Uncle Jerry of insanity and got him back to working in the salt mines on Mars. So, they’re pretty dang powerful. Enjoy!

One more disappearance

Did you know that Bermuda has a philharmonic orchestra? I was at a concert the other evening, all dressed up and feeling thoroughly caught up in the music. So caught up, you know, that I almost didn’t catch it when the guy playing the triangle just disappeared. The Bermuda Triangle still brings her mysteries.

Frogs have to obey the law just like the rest of us!

What do you call a frog who is parked illegally? Toad.

Even famous people die

Did you hear that the inventor of Velcro died? RIP

Know your war history

My father used to work in the Navy shipyards during World War II. He told me all about how we were behind in the war and we had to make ships as fast as we could. He went into detail about exactly how they pieced the ships together. Riveting!